Musings – Page 5 – Cindy Young-Turner

Doubting monkey on my shoulder

MP900262614 — You think he’s cute but he’ll pounce when you least expect it.

Someone asked recently what I thought was the hardest part about writing. Honestly, sometimes the hardest part is the actual writing. Why is it so hard? Fear. It’s fear of Not Being Good Enough. I have a habit of composing brilliant scenes in my head that never come out quite right when I type up the words. I’ll send a chapter through my critique group who might like it and offer some good suggestions for improving it further, but when I sit down to work on my edits the only thing I can focus on is the quality of the writing because to me, it falls short. I’m probably my own worst critic. Even when I think something is initially good, that doubting monkey on my shoulders whispers, “But it it’s not good enough. It could be better.” And thus begins the downward spiral of not being able to write because it will never be good enough and if it’s not good enough should I even try?

Well, I try because I’m compelled to write. Other writers understand that feeling. I have to push aside the doubting monkey (don’t worry, no animals are actually harmed) and tell myself that it may not be perfect, but yes, it’s good. My publisher thought so. I have readers who think so. So I just have to push through the doubt and keep on writing. I’m not sure there’s any other solution than that. Write a paragraph. Repeat, until you have written a page. Then repeat again.

My five-year-old has been talking about what she wants to be when she grows up. (For the record, it’s currently a teacher, a princess, a ballet teacher, and a princess teacher. I’m sure pink will be involved.) She asked me what I had wanted to be when I was little. I’ve wanted to be an author forever. When I told her this, she looked at me and said, “And now you are.”

Yes, I am an author. It’s still an amazing feeling. I hope I can keep on doing it.

Do you ever feel this way about your writing? What are some of your tips for working through writing doubt?

Standing together

My heart is in Boston this week. I’m from Massachusetts and even though I haven’t lived there in a while, it will always be home. Patriots’ Day is a unique holiday. It celebrates the anniversary of the battles of Lexington and Concord in a state steeped in history. Growing up we celebrated with local parades, a day off school, and of course the Boston Marathon. Reading about the marathon has often filled me with a sense of awe. Running is not my thing. I’m amazed by the endurance of the athletes who participate. On Monday, I was horrified by what had happened and heartbroken about the lives lost and shattered and the people who will never be the same. The finish line of the Marathon should be a place for joy and triumph.

I’m filled with sadness over what’s been taken from us–innocence, a sense of security, life–and I’m also angry. Whatever coward did this wants us to live in fear and terror. I’m taking heart in all of the amazing stories of heroism from that day. People who leaped over barricades to help the wounded. Restaurants that stayed open late to offer a haven for those who needed it. Strangers offering rides, phones, a place to stay. There are so many small stories of humanity that shine hope into this darkness. That’s what keeps me going.

And you don’t mess with Boston. We’re made of strong stuff there. I’m standing proud with you all. We will not be broken.

Versatile blog award

I’m so excited to be nominated for the Versatile Blog Award by the talented Inion N. Mathair! I’m not very good at social media, but I think I met this lovely mother-daughter writing duo on twitter, of all things. They’ve been nice enough to check out my blog and you should take a look at theirs. They have some very insightful posts.

VBA~RULES~

1.) FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT. THANK THE PERSON WHO GAVE YOU THIS AWARD. WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THE NAME THIS AWARD CARRIES, IT GIVES YOU AN IDEA, JUST HOW INCREDIBLE THIS NOMINATION REALLY IS.

2.) INCLUDE A LINK TO THEIR BLOG.

3.) SELECT FIFTEEN (15) BLOGGERS THAT YOU FOLLOW AND FEEL QUALIFY FOR THIS AWARD. YOU CAN ALSO LOOK FOR NEW BLOGS THAT INSPIRE YOU. OR MIX IT UP.

4.) NOW THAT YOU’VE SELECTED THE FIFTEEN BLOGS. GO TO THEIR SITE AND NOMINATE THEM.

5.) (VBA WINNERS) ALTHOUGH IT’S NOT MANDITORY, A LIST OF THE WINNERS NAMES & THEIR BLOG ADDRESSES CAN BE POSTED ON YOUR BLOG. THIS IS MERELY OUT OF COURTESY TO THE SEVEN (7) WINNERS. THIS WAY, THEY KNOW WHO YOU SELECTED AND WON’T DOUBLE PICK. {THX JENNIFER ZEIGER FOR THE GREAT IDEA}

6.) FINALLY, TELL THE PERSON WHO NOMINATED YOU, SEVEN (7) THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF.

Okay, here are my seven things:

1. I was a VISTA Volunteer after college and worked at an adult literacy program in Baltimore, MD for a year. I had never even driven in a city before, and there I was, smack in the middle of inner-city Baltimore. Of all the jobs I’ve had, this one was the most rewarding. We really made a difference in people’s lives. And I’m proud to say the South Baltimore Learning Center is still around and thriving more than ever.

2. I. Hate. Spiders. Charlotte’s Web was one of my most favorite children’s stories. But I just can’t stand spiders now. If it’s in the house, it’s toast. Don’t ask me how I got through the Shelob scene in Return of the King. Ugh!

3. I drive a stick shift. People are surprised by this. I guess it’s not very common these days. I had to learn to drive on a stick, hated it, and then my first car was stick. I’ve been driving them ever since.

4. I am a Star Wars fanatic. Original trilogy. (Thank you, George Lucas, for ruining my childhood memories with the prequels.) I’m awesome at Star Wars trivial pursuit. If only my parents had bought two of all the toys so I could have saved one in the original packaging!

5. I used to play clarinet. I was in band from fifth grade through high school and played in a trio freshman year of college (then I switched to recorder so I could join the early music group). I thought about pursuing music as a career briefly, but as much as I loved playing, I didn’t like to practice. I didn’t have the drive, and writing was much more of a passion.

6. I was an honors speaker at my high school graduation. I was painfully shy and terrified of speaking in class, let alone speaking in front of however many hundreds of people were in attendance at graduation. But I wrote a kick-ass speech that told off my class in a somewhat diplomatic way and talked about the issue of conformity. People were shocked, probably first that I could speak out loud and second that I dared voice my opinion of them. My friends cheered and some of the other nonconformists gave me a standing ovation.

7. I love bagpipe music. Must be the Scottish heritage from way back.

I’ve already tagged a bunch of people on various other posts, so I’ll just say that if you’re kind enough to read this, consider yourself a versatile blog award nominee and feel free to post this on your own blog! Just let me know in the comments and I’ll give you credit and share your lovely blog with others.

Calling up the muse

You know how when you get lost in a book and it starts to take over your world? I’ve been working my way through Stephen King’s Dark Tower series (now on book 4) and I’m definitely having that feeling. I admit, I have a bit of a fantasy crush on Roland Deschain. Maybe it’s because my introduction to the series was through the graphic novel The Gunslinger Born with its gorgeous artwork and a young, attractive Roland. In the series he’s older, a bit more grizzled, a survivor who is single minded in his goal of finding the Dark Tower. He’s a badass with an old world, courtly charm.

Of course, instead of spending my precious free time reading the Dark Tower series, I really should be writing. But I seem to have lost my muse. Maybe I need some of Roland’s single mindedness so I can finish writing book 2? I really don’t want to view GRR Martin as a role model in how long it takes to put out another book.

So I’m trying to picture Roland as a muse.

“You there. You have forgotten the face of your father.”

“Um, no. I just want to kickstart my writing. Can you help with that?”

He stares at me with those weathered blue eyes. “How do you write, with your hand or your heart?”

Ah yes. “See, that’s the problem. I know it’s in my heart, but how do I find it again?”

“You don’t find it. You do it.” He shakes his head in disgust. “It’s in your heart or it’s not. If you don’t know that, you don’t deserve the title gunslinger.”

“But I’m not a gunslinger. I’m trying to be an author.”

“Trying? Do or do not. There is no try.”

Wait a minute. “That sounds an awful lot like Yoda.”

“If I’m your muse would you not expect Star Wars to slip in somewhere?”

“Yes, I guess you’re right. But how–”

“There is no how. Write from your mind and your heart. That is how you will remember the face of your father. Go. Do it. Now.”

“Thankee sai. I’m off to write.”

He stares at me again. “And this facebook? And twitter? What of those distractions?”

“Yes yes, signing off.”

“And email. And the book. Put it down. For a time. We will wait. The Tower will wait. Your characters are more impatient. They need you.”

He’s right about that. And so I am off to write and lead my characters on their way to their own version of the Dark Tower.

Alternative Booker Award

The lovely Melissa Robitille has tagged me with an Alternative Booker Award. The idea is to mention five of your favorite books and then tag five other bloggers to do the same. Five? How can I choose five favorites? Hmm. I’ll pick five, but of course there are many more favorites out there.

In no particular order…

1. Mistborn: The Final Empire by Brandon Sanderson

I can’t say for certain whether this will end up being an all-time favorite, since I just finished reading it last week. I enjoyed it enough to include it in the list, which says something. This one had been on my radar because I’d heard a lot of good things about it from lurking in the fantasy book groups on Goodreads. And recently three people who have reviewed my book said that Sydney reminded them of Vin from Mistborn. So clearly I had to read it! I’ll take being compared to this book as a high compliment. It was right up my alley, with thieves plotting to overthrow an evil empire and a street urchin with a mysterious past. I couldn’t put it down.

2. Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman

This was my first Neil Gaiman book. I loved the characters and the setting. “Mind the gap” took on a very different meaning when we were in London. I’ve read and enjoyed more of Gaiman’s work, but this one holds a special place in my heart.

3. The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

I cried at the end and several times during the book. Amazing, emotionally powerful. And as someone who can’t outline to save my life, I admire the incredibly intricate plot and wonder how in the world she kept it all straight. I have no desire to see the movie version. I don’t think it could do justice to the book.

4. The Road by Cormac McCarthy

The book was terribly, terribly bleak and disturbing, but the prose was beautiful. The story haunted me for weeks after I finished it. I was a new parent at the time and the relationship between the father and son tore at my heart.

5. The October Country by Ray Bradbury

My first introduction to Bradbury, bought at a really neat used bookstore in Providence, RI. I loved his prose and the quirky, creepy stories.

So there you have it. I’m not sure what these books say about my psyche, if anything, other than I’m eclectic in my reading tastes. There are a lot more that I consider favorites. If you asked me a week or a month from now, I’d probably come up with a completely different list.

I’m tagging five bloggers to see what’s on their list of favorites: